Happy New Year! I'm taking a quick break from my Favorite Things series of posts to share something else near to my heart (and that is relevant to this week): goal-setting. ☑️
Goal-Setting and New Year's Resolutions
I love goal-setting. If you've picked up by now on my love of systems improvement, that won't come as a surprise—and the system I'm most passionate about improving is me.
Ironically, though, I don't make traditional New Year's resolutions, because I think checking in with your values, goals, and vision should happen throughout the year. However, I still believe in the power of symbolic moments to help give you both a reminder to check in and a boost to get started.
There's a healthy middle-ground somewhere between our two cultural extremes about New Year's resolutions: gushing, blind optimism that will burn out quickly and cynicism that change is impossible and people are naïve for trying. Don't let either extreme stop you from taking just a moment to think about your dreams and how to achieve them. It's your life—don't let other people's experiences (or even your own) with goal-setting hold you back from trying to improve it.
So, yes, I think that if the New Year holds symbolism and hope for you right now, you should use it! (But if not, I hear you. Don't worry about that either. Maybe skip everything but the section on self-compassion—maybe that's what you actually need most right now.)
So here are my top 6 tips for goal-setting, none of which are original to me, but these are the ones that have made the most difference to me and the ones I used to set my quarterly goals this year.
One: dream big, plan small
Notice how I said quarterly? Because that's the first tip: dream big, plan small.
First, imagine what you want your life to be like in five or ten years (and remember, give yourself permission to really dream here), and then identify the very first step to getting there, one that you can take in a manageable chunk of time. Hint: probably not a year.
See what I mean when I say I don't believe in traditional New Year's resolutions? A "year" (it's in the name) is too big—too big to plan for, considering all that can happen in a year that could change your whole life, and too much is involved in a goal that would take that length of time.
When I was in school, I would plan my goals by the semester or by my breaks. Since graduating, I've varied quite a bit, depending on what was going on in my life, but I think this is the first year I'm trying out a quarterly time frame. I don't know why it took me that long (probably because so many other people have foisted it on me in school and work—but I had to remind myself that sometimes that means it works). Now that I've actually made the plan, I'm pumped. I think this was the time frame I needed all along, and I'll get into why next.
Two: ensure balance
If you can, pick one single thing and go with it until you've mastered it. That's by far the surest path to success.
But ... I'll admit, I've haven't often been able to do that. Not because I can't control myself (I can) but because life usually requires us to make progress in more than one area at once. Think of work or school or however you have to occupy most of your day: you often can't make progress on only thing for three months, at the exclusion of all else. That's like taking a full college course load but only resolving to learn from one class; that would be wasting your time and money and that of others. (If you can only realistically learn from one class at a time because of other things going on in your life, that's different. That just goes back to my point that you have to handle a lot of things at once and ensure balance. So, if you're only taking one class at a time right now for the sake of balance/sustainability, good for you!)
That being said, don't try to change everything about your life at once. That, too, is unrealistic for most people (and the cause for a lot of the blind optimists burning out). Balance, balance, balance. So, sure, dream big, and maybe even brainstorm a whole bunch of goals, but then take a step back and really look at the ones that are most important (or the balls you simply cannot drop), and balance them with each other and your life.
How I'm approaching this conundrum this quarter is by using the rule of threes: for three months, I'm going to focus on three goals, with only one corresponding to each of the three main domains of my business—writing (my trade, what I "do"), admin (the business side of what I do that keeps the lights on), and outreach (messaging the worth of what I do to ensure I can keep doing it).
The word balance can be abstract, so here's some bonus subtips for how you can think about it in real life.
Bucket your life
If you're looking for a holistic approach to goal-setting, one that doesn't neglect a key part of your life, break your life into three major domains (or buckets), like I just did in my example. (Really, my work is actually a domain of my life, and my trade, business, and outreach are subdomains of my work, so I went a little deeper there for the example.)
How I think about my top domains is constantly evolving, and that's how it should be, because that's how life works. So divide up your life however it makes sense to you to get you started, and don't be afraid to change it later. Some people identify these highest-level domains by their roles (e.g., teacher, parent), but for me, that's too many to keep track of at the highest level. (Simultaneously setting one goal for each of my roles would be a disaster.) That's why I've lumped a lot of my social roles into one high-level domain of "connections" (working title). If you have trouble identifying the highest-level domains, or that's not how your brain works, you can go with another method.
Just don't set goals for too many domains—or too few, if, as discussed, you can't neglect one. Though my trade is the most important thing in my work, and I've had some lovely (and crazy) months in the past couple years zeroing in on just that aspect, now is not the time for me to focus on my trade to the exclusion of all else. Continuing to do so at this stage would be out of balance and hinder my forward progress overall.
As you can see, what balance will feel like is different for everyone and for different phases of everyone's life. Sometimes it will even feel different from day to day, and that's OK. Roll with the flow. The advantage of setting one quarterly goal for each of your three top domains is that you can strive for balance overall, across those three months.
Assign time ratios to each bucket
Another way to think about balance in your goals is to assign a certain amount of time to each one: a time budget, if you will. I do this in conjunction with the domain method, but you don't have to. You can simply identify your three most important goals (forgetting about where they fit in with the domains of your life) and assign them a balanced amount of time each week.
That doesn't mean an equal amount of time. I consider my trade to be so important that it has a 2-1 ratio with the other two domains. Meaning that I'm aiming to spend two hours on writing activities for every hour I spend on business or outreach. In fact, that's what my business goal is for this quarter: to get into the habit of spending that much time in each domain.
Why allocate time? Because time is your second-most precious resource. (The most precious being your energy, but that's a whole other topic of its own). Money actually ranks further down the list, because you can theoretically scale up drastically in funds, but unless you have a time machine, you can't drastically scale up in time. You're stuck with the same 24-hour budget every day that everyone else has. That's why pledging your time to something is really when you put your "money" where your mouth is.
Plus, almost every successful person (or expert on success) that I've heard of says that regularly dedicating time to something is the path to success. It's as simple as that. Brandon Sanderson said that he's not necessarily a fantastic writer—he's simply very consistent. That's called setting aside a block of time and showing up for it nearly every single time. Do that every day for a few years, and you'll be an expert by default.
Sure, you'll have "better" days than others. But that, too, might be more of an illusion than you think. Sanderson said in one of his lectures I attended at BYU that he's tracked the quality of his writing and whether he felt well that day or not, and he couldn't find a significant difference. Even if there really is a difference in the quality of your work from day to day, simply showing up every time means you'll get it done and improve over time.
That's why I find a time-allocation method to be one of the most effective and balanced ways to reach your goals. You decide what's important and assign an amount of time to it each day or week. Simple.
Yet ... still not easy, or everyone would have mastered this method. The catch: you have to track your time. You don't know if you're actually following through with your time goals ... unless you track them. You can't know how to fix a problem you haven't spotted. You can't know how unbalanced you are without checking the scales. And so on. This is where I've gotten stuck so many times.
I don't consider my previous attempts to be a loss, though, because they've still been a good initial prioritizing and reality-checking method for my goal setting. There's nothing that helps you pare down your goals like actually sitting down with a schedule and figuring out when you'll actually have the time (and energy!) to do them. If that's as far as you get, that's still pretty awesome! If that's as far as you even want to take the time-balancing method, and you'll intentionally plan to use other methods from there, as I usually have in the past, great!
Just know that if those other methods continue to not get the full results you want ... you might want to consider time tracking. That's why I'm finally, finally going spend most of my focus on time tracking this quarter—not another "to-do" system, like I normally come up with. (I still have a to-do system I'm going to use with the time tracking—it's just going to be my old to-do system. Remember, one new thing in each domain at a time.)
Three: make a plan
This part can vary a lot depending on the person and method, but basically, identifying and prioritizing your goals is great, perhaps the funnest part for some people, but stopping there is like deciding to go on a cruise to the Caribbean and only sitting on your couch dreaming about it. If you actually want to get there, you have to plan and act on that plan.
But didn't we just come up with a plan? some of you are saying. Well, no, not really. We came up with some goals and did some balancing and reality-checking. We just decided to cruise in the Caribbean and figured out our schedule is clear and it's in our budget. Now's the time to get really real. However you like to plan (or however little you like to plan), if you truly want to increase your odds of success, you need to answer the following questions (some of which harken back to the SMART method):
When is this goal due?
How will I measure my progress/when will I check in?
How will I measure success at the end? I like to phrase this as a question: Did I ... ? with a simple yes/no, pass/fail answer.
When will I do the thing? Specifically when, not just allocating an amount of time.
What could stand in my way, and how can I circumvent it? Be very honest with yourself here. For example, if your goal is to take up jogging, have a plan for when it rains, when you're tired, etc. If you're working from home, find out where your local library is in case some random overly tall truck takes out your overhead internet cable for days or you have to spend an entire workday troubleshooting your crashing computer. (My holidays were great, by the way—just not as productive as I was hoping, lol. But then, that meant more time spent relaxing with family in the former case, like I was supposed to be doing.... 😅)
How will I motivate myself? These answers will vary widely depending on the person. You can ask everyone in the world for ideas, but those will be what has worked for them. Only you really know how you tick. Look back on your life and determine what motivated or didn't motivate you in the past and choose accordingly—and don't be afraid of changing it if it's not working. See number 2 and 7 and the next section.
How will I remind myself?
How will I get back on track when (not if) I fail?
Once you've both answered those questions and implemented whatever you need to from the answers (for example, set your reminders on your phone, acquired your accountability partner, arranged times to work out with a friend, etc.), then you're ready to rumble.
Go forth and do the thing!
Just don't forget to....
Four: Check in
Remember question 2 from the previous section? This is where that answer comes into play. Hopefully you've put some system in place to track your metrics and remind you to check in, otherwise.... It's not going to happen.
I'm speaking from personal experience here. By no means have I mastered this crucial step. I'm just a traveler like all of you in this goal-setting journey. All these tips are just the methods that have worked best for me in the past and that I know are the keys to my success in the future. This is one of the steps I hope to make the greatest improvements in.
Why is this step so important? Again, harkening back to my time tracking rant, if you don't track your goal in some way and look at how you're doing, the odds of success dramatically decrease. It's like setting off on a thousand-mile road trip to somewhere you've never been and never checking a map or your GPS. Even my mother, who is a genius of navigation, can't do that and get to her final destination.
I'll allow this: you might still achieve your goal without checking in (I sometimes have), but you'll always increase your odds and shorten your turnaround time if you do. The phrase "A stitch in time saves nine" is real here. The earlier you spot problems or imbalances, the easier it is to fix them or course correct. Plus, human behavior simply improves when it's measured. Weird but true.
The check in
What does checking in look like? That's up to you and your goal, but it can be as simple as updating your metrics or as formal as sitting down with an accountability partner. (I'm trying both this quarter.)
If everything is going great and is perfectly on target, then this step is done. But, let's be honest ... that is hardly ever going to happen. Please, please don't set yourself up for despair by thinking things will be perfect every time. That's simply not possible. Expect failure. Expect the need for the next part, which is seeing what's wrong and fixing it.
The fix
In a way, checking in is kind of the "rinse and repeat" step. You're picking a periodic time to see if you're on track to achieve your vision, and in the 95% chance you're not, you very quickly redo all the previous steps to recalibrate. Or, if thinking of it that way is too much for you, then think of it as taking another glance at the whole thing, figuring which cog is jammed, taking it out, and oiling it.
For example, if you're simply forgetting to do the thing, what more can you do to remind yourself? Drown yourself in reminders and alarms if you have to. (I'm going to sound like such a millennial by saying this, but what did people do before the era of smartphones?) In all seriousness, I'm not just talking about phone reminders. I'm also talking about real-world cues: setting your exercise clothes out so you see them first when you reach into your closet in the morning, putting a water bottle in each place you hang out, plastering your work area with motivational posters, and so on.
If you remember but aren't motivated, change your motivations. I know I said it might not be ideal to ask others for ideas, but if nothing is working, then is a good time to start some research—but I'm going to emphasize once again that your research should probably be about the way you work.
If you're socially motivated, try social motivations like exercise buddies or team sports. If you're competitive, make a bet with someone. If you're both, have a contest. If you're financially motivated, get one of those apps or web accounts that takes a small amount of money from you if you don't follow through. (Humans are actually more loss-motivated than gain-motivated, by the way.) If you have ADHD, look for ADHD tips.
I know some people don't like personality typing, thinking it puts people in boxes (ironically, it's the more common/socially valued types that tend to think this and the rarer/less valued types that tend to be drawn to them to pull themselves out of the "weird" bin the common person puts them in, but I digress), and yes, I know there's no scientific basis for typing, but this is a situation in which it could actually help: as a personal growth tool. If you're an INTJ female like me, it can be helpful to find what tends to work for INTJ females. (I add the female part in there twice because yes, it occasionally matters, since most INTJs are male. Sometimes the advice is gender-neutral, sometimes it's not—especially in the workplace, a domain in which females are sometimes still penalized for exhibiting traditionally male behaviors, even if it is in very subtle ways, and even if it is from other women themselves.)
Think of your type as just a keyword that helps you find other people that tend to operate the same way you do. (On the other hand, I do tend to laugh at those glamorized and overly simplistic Instagram graphics that suggest, for example, a certain morning routine for a range of MBTI types, which I think can't have been written by an actual INTJ, because their suggestions for my type look unsustainable and just plain silly. I give myself full permission to create a more practical routine that I know I'll stick to and still love.)
Five: show yourself compassion
This is perhaps the most important step. If you do nothing else, and I mean nothing else on this list, please, please do this. Even though this is number five, maybe this is where you need to start. Maybe this is where you need to end. Maybe this is all you should be focusing on until you have the strength to try again.
Why do I place it at number five, then? If you're following all these steps, you've come so far ... but you haven't come so far to only come so far. After your first, second, or third check in, you might start feeling despair settle in, especially if you had unrealistic expectations. Don't beat yourself up for that—either for the failures or for "not knowing better."
Often you can't know what "realistic expectations" are until halfway in. That's why even my really smart college professors were so lenient to us honor-track students who were taking classes they were new to teaching and especially classes that were new to the university period. Those professors didn't know what could realistically be asked of us yet. Not until they'd taught more than three semesters of that class. Do not beat yourself up for any reason, but especially not for having to adjust your goal halfway through to something attainable for you. You might have gained things even more valuable than your original goal: self-knowledge, habits, experience, and the satisfaction of knowing that even if you failed, you failed, as Roosevelt said, "while daring greatly."
Self-compassion is the true grease that keeps all the cogs of the goal-making system running. Because they will all stop, fall out, or break at one point or another, and maybe it's easy to keep going the first or second time they do. But the third? The fourth? The fifth?
What keeps you going then?
Sometimes it's a kind person in your life: a parent, a friend, a faith leader. Sometimes it's taking a break, getting a breath of fresh air and a different perspective. Sometimes it's a book or a movie. Sometimes it's your faith. If you have those things or those things usually work for you, amazing. Keep holding onto them—you'll need them.
But there's one thing that you need perhaps most of all, because if you don't have it, your ability to gain strength from all the others will wither and die off ... and that's self-compassion.
Religious people like me might question why that's even more powerful than a belief in a higher power. I say it's because if you cannot first believe yourself worthy of that power's help, worthy of that power's love, worthy of that power's forgiveness, then you'll do a dang good job at shutting that power out completely until there's nothing even an all-powerful being can do for you (assuming that being respects your right to choose).
Compassion is, in essence ... loving yourself. Forgiving yourself for your mistakes as that higher power would, even if you can't currently feel that power. Supporting yourself as an ideal parent would, even when you live hundreds of miles from your own or your relationship with your own is complicated. Talking to yourself as that dearest friend would, even when they're not there to talk to you.
What would that dearest, kindest friend say to you the fifth time you mess up? Not the first. The fifth. No—the seventh. The tenth.
Maybe something like this: Wow,I'm just blown away that you've gotten this far. You're amazing, did you know that? You're amazing, and you're stronger than you know. No matter what you decide to do now, you're worth it, and I love you.
That's the voice you should be using with yourself. That is the voice of compassion. The voice ... of your best self, the very self you're trying to unlock.
It is hard—so, so, so hard—to find that voice. Even if you had kind, loving parents; a safe, stable childhood; a supportive community; and chances to reach for your dreams, this world is full of negative voices, like crabs in a pot, ready to pull you down with them. And those voices are louder and more invasive than ever. Those voices could have been drowning out your best one for a long time now, until you don't even know it's there or ever existed.
But it's still there, waiting for you to find it. I promise you that you can. The fact that you even got through this excessively long section or post is evidence that you can. You want to. Or you want to want to. So you can. Please, seek out help to find it, whether that's resources or friends or prayer or therapy—whatever it takes.
Because once you've found that voice ... everything is possible.
Six: DON'T GIVE UP
Don't you do it—don't you dare give up. Yes, you will fail most of the time. But you will get closer each time. That's been my experience, at least.
I said I love goal-setting. Notice I didn't say that I love achieving my goals, because the truth is this: I seldom ever do.
Hopefully that doesn't come as a shock by this point. If you've been reading between the lines this whole time, it shouldn't. Why would I know all these things about goal-setting if I wasn't constantly learning how to do it better? These are all the things that have worked for me in the past and I know will power my success in the future, but like a student learning the piano, I can see all the right notes in front of me and can occasionally hit the right ones, and sometimes for a whole page, but I honestly don't think I've ever achieved even seventy-five percent accuracy overall in one playthrough.
I'm like Thomas Edison on his quest to invent the light bulb: I'm doggedly figuring out the ten thousand ways that don't work for me. I call that ten thousand wins.
My secret has not been that I'm good at goal achieving. It's that I've never given up practicing. At first, that came from my aggravation at inferior systems that nagged me like an itch, but when stary-eyed optimism at being able to rework my entire life overnight died, what kept me going through the wilderness of failure and cyncism was a growing sense of self-compassion and a growing wisdom that the journey itself was the destination.
That's kind of the purpose of life itself, isn't it? One of the tenents of self-compassion is realizing how we are all connected, how our experiences are actually more similar than different. I remind myself frequently that absolutely nobody has life figured out. I mean, if I finally do figure it all out, I'll basically ... be as good as dead, right? We're here in this glorious, messy life to keep trying to make something of it, until our very last breath.
I'm a pragmatic dreamer. I'm a carefully-aim-and-shoot-for-the-moon-until-I-hit-it-but-never-actually-thinking-I-truly-will-and-not-caring-a-bit kind of person. You might say I'm a terrible shot who can't take a hint.
But oh, the stars I've landed among because of it.